To me at age 43

I wish I had written a letter to myself at age 18, writing down my hopes for the future- asking my 43 year old self - what's it like? I honestly don't remember what my hopes were at 18. I think I was too involved in my hair, listening to records and getting into car accidents.  My own mother was only 39 at the time.  Did I think of a future with a husband, a home and children? Did I want to be a woman of the world, traveling, with some sort of high powered career?  Did I just want to be liked and fit it?  I did get married rather young at 22- but even then I don't think I was really thinking of what the future would be like.  I was blessed with that youthful ignorance of time.

So, here I am at 43.  Forty-three.  I have to keep saying it so I can remember when people ask.  That whole thing about "age is just a number" really does start to become real as you age.  These days, 43 could be any stage of a person's life-  just starting a family, seeing kids off to college, starting a new career, living an established life or not-  I know someone in every category that's my age. The 40's are the new 30's, the new 20's, the never-gonna-grow-ups for some people.  I would say the main difference after age 40 is the total awareness of time passing, the days, weeks, months and years seem to get shorter the older you get.

My body has changed after two kids, my hair is going grey, and I don't feel comfortable hanging around 20 somethings for an extended length of time.  This is the aging part of me.  I have two young children, I am heavily invested in the under 12 psyche, I still enjoy hip music and culture from my safe perch at the computer- this is the part of me that yearns to stay young.

I do fear aging, I can't help it, I have to be honest.  I fear my changing body, the aging of family, the tragedies of life that are sure to come. But I try to keep that fear down and revel in the daily madness of my current life.  I sometimes long for the day when I can put something down and it will still be there two days later, undisturbed.  When I can clean the house and it stays that way for more than two hours.  For the day when I cook what I want to eat for dinner and don't hear "Ewww." when I place it on the table. But I know with certainty that when that day comes, I will be longing for this current life to come back again.

We can only live the day as it comes, I'm trying to enjoy every moment.  I may set myself up to do too much and I often don't accomplish the things I've set out to do- but It keeps me going till the next day.  Sure, I'm tired now, but I'll have plenty of time to rest later.

Something to aspire to... ageless beauty

All the beauty creams in the world can't make you beautiful on the inside. While the video is a little heavy on the symbolism- this song is great.

In Between Days

Waiting., originally uploaded by bossamama.

One of those days. It's raining, it's Thursday. The month of February lost to flu, pneumonia, fleas, (slight) flooding. It seems everyday someone breaks something, something falls apart, a flea appears and ruins everything. March opens out in front of me- birthdays, parties, growing up, growing old.

This is a moss terrarium that I've made and a photo I took. I like it.

The State of My Household

Inspired by Tracy, who asked "Where do you keep your stuff?" in a Facebook posting yesterday, I took pictures of three different piles at my house.  The first is my desk.  The all purpose dumping spot for the entire family.  We have the camera bag, Hazel's notebook with homework piled on top, a hat from Tet, grocery bags atop dried up Play-doh, several bottles of cold medicine, and notes from the pediatrician.  Hazel has the flu and I'm keeping close tabs on everything and preparing for any event.  She's okay for now, but it does worry a person.  On my computer, the original post by Tracy and a photo of her pile.

Found.

Camera retrieved.  Right where I left it, turns out the store was open today and they don't check their voicemail and they don't open camera cases, where our name and phone number was clearly located (I couldn't remember if that was the case.)  All's well that ends well!

Waiting is hard...

Yesterday, I made a terrible mistake.  The girls had a piano recital- it was Lilah's first.  I dutifully brought my camera, I checked to make sure the battery was full, we got to the place early.  The recital was held at a piano store that has a room in the back with beautiful grand pianos just for this purpose. Before it started, Lilah got on a piano out in the showroom to practice. I whipped out my camera and started to take a video.  To my surprise, the memory card was not there.  I was upset, this being her first recital- but another mom offered to take photos.  Everything went well.

But later, after a busy evening of homework and laundry, around 11 pm, Mark said, "Why don't you put the card back in the camera?"  I asked him to do it for me and as he looked for the camera he said "Where is it?"  I was suddenly struck dumb, as I knew that I did not bring it home.  I knew that I did not have it in the restaurant we went to after the recital, I did not have it in the car, I did not bring it in the house.

Total freak out time.  This is our brand new Canon, digital SLR camera.  It has a nice big lens on it and takes amazing pictures and video. I don't know the exact price, but I know it was very expensive.  Mark got it for me for Christmas.  I've always wanted a real camera, having worked with point and shoots all these years and never being completely satisfied with the pictures. I was so glad to have it and was slowly learning how to use it properly.

The piano store where we had the recital is closed today, I have left multiple messages.  Still haven't spoken with the owner of our piano school, who I've also left messages for. I've spoken with one of the piano teachers who did not see it- she said she thinks the chairs were still up and that the store closed down as soon as they left after the second recital. I called the restaurant, just in case, but I'm sure I didn't have it there, because I don't remember worrying about it and where I should put it.

I know exactly where I left it.  I know that as soon as I stopped trying to use it and sat down watching my little baby go up to play piano that I forgot it existed.  I stuck it under my chair for safekeeping.  I was watching my daughter- who was so nervous that she needed help playing- intensely, sitting on the edge of my chair, holding my breath, willing her to remember the right notes. I kept thinking, she was just a baby. I cried. She came and gave me a hug soon after.  I made sure to praise all the other children afterward, I was feeling so warm and content.  I was proud and excited and so happy to be part of the piano family.  The camera was far from my mind.

I know it's just a thing, and it can be replaced (eventually)- but it was also such a special gift from my very thoughtful husband. I feel like I lost my wedding ring.  Here's hoping it's still sitting under that chair waiting for me to come retrieve it.

I cannot post an entry, I am frustrated! I can only write in the titles. Maybe I should just blog here.

Blogging Limbo

Breathing space

He is proud in his stripes and fuzz., originally uploaded by bossamama.

There is this magical space after Christmas and before school starts again. A time when the days seem endless and the possibilities stretch out before me. I made this little fellow for one of my babies, got a new camera, and felt pretty relaxed this holiday season- regardless of the fact I didn't get half the stuff done I wanted to. This has been a sad year. I don't really believe that things will get easier, life is hard. But I know that I can relieve some stress through creating things.

Here's to a Happy New Year with bright skies, green grass and some space for dreaming. Time to turn it all over again.

Listening to the new Belle & Sebastian album stream here at NPR. Excited to hear Stuart Murdoch being interiewed this morning. Either I'm really cool or really nerdy or just plain washed out.  I still love B & S and get excited about their new records coming out.  (I still call them records.)  But come on, how can you not love a band who poses with a fake horse?  Sure they may be the definition of "twee"- but I happen to like that.

New Book

I believe this book was genetically engineered to delight me.

Old man singing in the library...

Even punk rock legends get old and apparently hang out in libraries.



But stay forever young for each new generation to discover...

Took a trip to the Asian market on Sunday. The very large one, where they have an aisle (or more) dedicated to all the major Asian culinary traditions. I took a trip down the Thai and Vietnamese aisles and picked up these goodies. The prices are so low- I got all these for less than $20! I've never tried the ready made panang curry paste and the mountain sauce is a taste experiment- have been trying to approximate the soy sauce from our favorite Vietnamese restaurant- Anh Hong. Finally bought some peanut oil to saute and the coconut milk is for the curry.  Last week I bought some Ma Po sauce (Chinese) and some Somen Tsuyu dipping sauce for noodles (Japanese.) The Ma Po was delicious served over mixed vegetables and Chinese egg noodles. I am so thankful to live in this neighborhood. The thing I have not been able to find at the store are bento boxes.  They have a few Power Ranger boxes that look like cast asides from what was possibly an amazing collection a few months back (or not.) I don't think the girls would appreciate those. I just found this site- Asian Food Grocer - I'll see if they have some good ones.  I've been fascinated by the whole bento culture for a while now. I think the girls would enjoy eating their lunches from tiny boxes. Maybe I can slip some more vegetables into their diets!

Spritzers and popcorn

Spritzers and popcorn, originally uploaded by bossamama.

Have a couple of the girl's friends over after school today. When I asked them what they wanted to drink, they yelled "spritzers!" This is a drink that gets served here regularly to visiting children. They mostly love them and it sounds very exotic. If there is a new child, they will ask, very intrigued "What is it?" It's simply half juice, half soda water mixed together. We've tried all sorts of juices- orange, apple, cranberry, those veggie/fruit mixes- they all taste good. I started concocting these when I was pregnant and craving too much soda. They are great for kids, it cuts down on the juice and gives them the bubbly satisfaction. They can even be a little more grown up, cutting down on the juice and adding more soda- which can look very sophisticated to the other kids. I served them up with my locally famous popcorn, popped in my 50+ year old electric popcorn popper. Really, it is the best popcorn, you can ask anyone who's had it. And if you are at my house at some point in this lifetime- you will eat popcorn. And, I'll make you a spritzer too.

How to ruin perfectly good food.

This is a post from March 22, I hadn't posted it, but thought it was okay, so here's to more content!

I have been very sick the last three days with an awful cold virus.  Feeling better, but feel like I've experienced that proverbial lost weekend.  Still have a heinous gut rattling cough, but at least I have some energy again.  So I decided we needed to eat a good meal tonight.  Poor Mark has been hobbling together meals, ordering out, etc.  I set out to make a homemade tummy pleaser.

With no plan in mind, I decided to boil new potatoes.  Then I racked my brain for a new way to cook broccoli so that my picky children would eat it.  I decided some sort of whipped up, creamy broccoli would please them.  So I found a recipe for pureed broccoli on the internet and promptly ignored the instructions. Oh, I can do that, just cook it, puree it in the food processor and voila! Except, I guess the florets never completely disappear, or I just did something wrong, because it was still grainy.  Plus I was out of real butter and had to use margarine, which I'm sure took the flavor down a few notches.  Okay.  So I decide to make a mash potato mix with the broccoli.  That'll fool them!  Hey! Why don't I just throw the potatoes in the food processor too?  Easy cleanup, less work!  Except, why don't I ever remember that you should never, ever, ever, put potatoes in the processor!  They turn to glue pretty quickly. So as I'm scraping out the gluey mess, I decide, okay I will mix this all up and bake it and it will come out like a soufflé!  Yeah!  So I start putting a base of gluey potatoes, to which I have added basil, milk, and margarine into the bottom of glass baking pan. But as I'm looking at it, I think, this looks like potato pancake material (sort of) so- I know!  I'll mix the broccoli, potato, shredded cheese, some panko bread crumbs and I'll fry them up!  Except that does not even begin to work. They are too mushy and they just sit there in the pan, spreading out and getting crispy on one side that refuses to be lifted from the pan.  Oh!  I should have added an egg.  So I do that next.  This one turns out slightly better, but the inside is still a gooey mess.  Not very appetizing.  Then I decide to scrape it all together, add 2 more eggs, more cheese- put it back in the square baking pan and put it in the oven.

The kids did not eat it, nor did anyone else.

Finds of the day

I don't remember how I found this. Oh, yes, via the Real Simple newsletter that's where!  These absolutely adorable and exquisite prints by Susie Ghahremani. They are full of lively animals and musical instruments, sweet and lovely and full of color. She has a fabulous website called girlboyparty where she sells many items adorned with her art among a lot of other things, including her original music, which I haven't had a chance to listen to. Please click on the link to see, her art isn't reproducible in other blogs. Oh to be young and just out of art school! At her webpage I also discovered this book- which she is featured in:

The Exquisite Book

To be involved in something like this would have been so incredible. Artists would make art, then send it on to the next artist who would continue the art, having only seen the very edge of the previous work.  The book puts all the pieces together as one. The pages will fold out so that the viewer can see them at once. Exquisite, indeed. This will be a must for our home library!

GIft of Summer

Elephant Ear, originally uploaded by bossamama.

This weekend found us in the yard actually gardening. It has been insufferably hot this summer and we rarely went out there. As a result our yard had become completely overgrown. It's going to take a few weeks to get it all back in shape. In the meantime, I found this pot with this lovely plant growing in it, hiding in the brush. I had something to do with it, but not much. Last year, I found the tiniest elephant ear growing wild in the yard. I didn't want it to grow where it was (can you imagine- I have elephant ears as weeds?) so, I put it in this pot and forgot about it. It was such a nice surprise to find it had gotten so big! I decided to bring it indoors to see how it does. I have recently added houseplants to the house and the cats have graciously left them alone. For such a garden freak, I had an embarrassing lack of plants inside the house. That is remedied now! I did have a fear that first night, that something (snake?) might crawl out of the pot and surprise us. Thankfully, that did not happen.

Sneak Peek

CIMG7885, originally uploaded by bossamama.

Been gone for quite a while again. This is the way of things, ebb and flow. I'm hoping to change the format here and have a little more interaction going. Need to work on my Flickr page as well and get it better linked, going to have to go ahead and pay for the darn thing. Been taking many, many pictures. This has been another tumultuous summer, but looking forward to an active, productive fall. Redecorating for me helps cleanse my cluttered mind. Have done quite a bit in the house... here is a preview.

Lovely Personified

New Rufus tomorrow... sigh.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT | SONNET 20 (song only) from gary nadeau on Vimeo.