My High School Sweetheart

My boyfriend.

I was not much of a dater in high school. Not for lack of wanting, just didn't get asked. Then my one fumbly experience turned sour. So my real high school sweethearts were the pop stars that I fell absolutely in love with. First there was Sting. I was obsessed and had pictures of him everywhere. Immediately after high school and my terrible boy experience- I discovered the Smiths and specifically Morrissey. It was perfect timing- I was so disillusioned and scared of boys. Morrissey was there and completely caught my fancy beyond even Sting. Why? He was attractive, sensitive and well-read but mostly because he was gay and a self proclaimed celibate. He sang about unrequited love and never being able to find the right person, plus he was a little naughty sometimes in a British way. Each song was calling out to me and comforted me in a way that Sting never did. (He was much too grown-up for me- I now realize.)

It reminds me of a review I read of the Twilight movie- the critic supposed that teen girls love the vampire heartthrob character because he adores the girl character, but cannot have sex with her and she finds that ultimately non-threatening and romantic (as opposed to um- him being a blood sucking vampire?) But come to think of it, maybe that's why my "love" of Morrissey was so strong- he was safe. I knew that if I was caught alone with him, even though I might have wanted to totally make out with him or at least swoon- he wouldn't have touched a hair on my head. Gay and celibate- that's as good as a vampire to a girl. Oh, and then the fact that I could never possibly ever meet him.

What got me thinking about Morrissey? His new album- which is being heavily advertised right now. I have every Smiths album and the first few solo Morrissey albums that I still listen to frequently and can sing to by heart (it's in my DNA now- I'm sure my girls will know the songs too.) But somewhere around the mid 90's I lost track of my sweetheart and got involved with other bands, other genres of music, it became less about a late night companion to swoon over and more about really appreciating music. And maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was married to a real man.

So, today I went to Morrisey's website, inspired by Facebook and all that reconnecting with old friends. I listened to his new single- not knowing what to expect. And guess what? The music sounds exactly the same, his phrasing, his lyrics- still singing about the "absence of human touch." It's like he's in a time capsule! I don't know how to feel about it. Other artists from that era - such as David Byrne- have expanded and gone all over the place. But there's Morrissey, same hairstyle and haughty chin-up pose, just a little doughier around the jawline. Is it comforting or disturbing? The music is good- as I look back on other bands I was into- I realize that the Smiths were just a plain good band, they stand up to scrutiny. But my old boyfriend- he's caught in a time warp- rehashing his youth over and over. Should I be concerned? He seems happy, maybe I'll just let him be. We had some good times and he got me through some rough spots. I'll thank him for that. Next time I don't see him.

My boyfriend 20 years later.