Goodbye

I'm sorry to say that I had to put our cat to sleep yesterday. It was very hard to decide, but in the end I knew in my heart that it was right. She was 18 years old and starting to decline and I didn't want her to get to the point where she was really suffering. She wouldn't eat anything and we couldn't get her to come out of the closet, where she had been for three days. We held and pet her for a long time and while she seemed somewhat alert, her body was limp. I even took her outside, but she tried everything she could to get back in the house fast. Later, Lora brought some ice cream and gave V. some, but she barely licked it and laid back down. I couldn't stand to see her suffer. She has been in decline for a long time and had lost so much weight, her fur was dingy and she had stopped grooming herself a long time ago. We kept her going as long as she still had some spunk, still enjoyed playing a bit, hissing at the other cats or wanting to sit on our laps. She hadn't done anything like that the last 4 days.

I decided to take her in by myself and I'm glad I did. She was always my cat and I felt that I owed it to her to see her off. I didn't stay through the procedure, but I did stay with her a while before to make sure she was calm and talked to her before they came in. The vet people were very sweet and I felt confident leaving her in their care. She was very calm and tired, and -I think- really ready to go to sleep. It was extremely hard to do and all night I had flashbacks and felt misgivings- had I done the right thing? But today, with a clearer head, I know I did the right thing. The whole day felt like a test from God, I had to do it completely alone. I wasn't able to get ahold of Mark all day and only talked to him last evening when it was all over. I do feel stronger for having done it on my own and I think that was the way it was supposed to go.

She was a good girl and we enjoyed her greatly. She had an awesome life. Her last good day was amazing! We took her outside on Sunday to brush her and get all the mats out of her hair. She loved it and then she wanted to sit outside in the grass, she stayed out there for an hour or so while I gardened, she gently explored and laid on the hot concrete-always a treat for cats. After we came in she stood at the door and meowed to be let back out. The next day began her major decline. The last few years with her have been very trying with her kidney problems and incontinence- but we always still saw her spunk. When that was gone, I felt it was time. This is the lot we choose when we take care of animals.

Today, we are going to the beach with a bunch of friends. I think it will be good for all of us to get away, someplace very different- for the day. Hazel was upset yesterday, when I told her that Veronica was not getting better. I told her I would take her to the vet and see if they could help her, but was pretty sure that they wouldn't be able to and she would not be coming home. Lora came over to sit with them and Hazel didn't seem upset at all when I left. I think she was trying to not think about it. She didn't mention anything about it the rest of the day or this morning. We all slept together in my bed last night- more for my benefit than theirs. But it turned out to not be so great for me- because those girls flail around in their sleep like they are doing gymnastics! I was reduced to clinging to the edge of the bed all night! We all feel good this morning, it's sunny and a new day. We don't have to worry about Veronica being sick anymore and we don't have to worry about closing our doors or barricading all the furniture. It is a bit of a relief, really. And we still have two stinky cats, one who ever so sweetly threw up all over our dining room table last night.

Magnification

When I am alone, every sound is louder, every moth that flies in my face is a monster and every problem turns into a crisis. The drama of a sick cat escalated to me making an appointment to have her euthanized. I spent all of last night and this morning wondering how I was going to get through that alone. Thank goodness I had my mom and brother come and help form a second opinion, and the cat was just plain visibly better today. She is old and each day I can't find her, I steel myself for finding her white, furry, lifeless body. I imagine what I will do. When Mark is home, of course- I would flee the house with the children and call him from an undisclosed location. I have a fear of death. I've never really handled any dead thing up close. Much less a companion of 18 years. But being alone, being faced with the inevitable fact of death- knowing that I have to protect the children- I guess I'd just have to deal with it. So, while Veronica lays in my closet and I still wonder if she is going to make it until Saturday (when Mark gets home) I will be on edge.

It doesn't help that I have a hysterical child yelling at me to draw her a "better horsie"- she wasn't happy with what I drew and threw a temper tantrum. She has been sick and is running on that high you get when you feel better. She's been so hyper today- it's been trying. I don't know how my mom did this alone with me and my brother. Maybe because we were older and she got breaks by going to work. Maybe it was just as rough. Sorry, Mom, for any extra stress I caused you!

Welcome to my blog

Fuzzy Squirrel Bank, originally uploaded by bossamama.

Hello, if you've traversed here from Facebook. I've been doing this for about a year. I mostly post pictures, music, video clips, things that I find interesting. It is a public site, so I don't get too terribly personal. It's a fun place to talk about interesting things. You can peruse through lots of old entries, while I get back on the blogging horse. Come back and visit, and leave notes if you like!

Corrie

New music

Just discovered and bought new Camera Obscura album. It's lovely, a bit more upbeat just in time for summer! Here is a sample... "French Navy"

My gosh, I love them. This video reminds me of the movie Two Days in Paris- which could be the antidote for the over the top romance of this video. A great movie- watch the trailer... (please disregard the movie guy narration- so annoying and unnecessary.)