Goodbye

I'm sorry to say that I had to put our cat to sleep yesterday. It was very hard to decide, but in the end I knew in my heart that it was right. She was 18 years old and starting to decline and I didn't want her to get to the point where she was really suffering. She wouldn't eat anything and we couldn't get her to come out of the closet, where she had been for three days. We held and pet her for a long time and while she seemed somewhat alert, her body was limp. I even took her outside, but she tried everything she could to get back in the house fast. Later, Lora brought some ice cream and gave V. some, but she barely licked it and laid back down. I couldn't stand to see her suffer. She has been in decline for a long time and had lost so much weight, her fur was dingy and she had stopped grooming herself a long time ago. We kept her going as long as she still had some spunk, still enjoyed playing a bit, hissing at the other cats or wanting to sit on our laps. She hadn't done anything like that the last 4 days.

I decided to take her in by myself and I'm glad I did. She was always my cat and I felt that I owed it to her to see her off. I didn't stay through the procedure, but I did stay with her a while before to make sure she was calm and talked to her before they came in. The vet people were very sweet and I felt confident leaving her in their care. She was very calm and tired, and -I think- really ready to go to sleep. It was extremely hard to do and all night I had flashbacks and felt misgivings- had I done the right thing? But today, with a clearer head, I know I did the right thing. The whole day felt like a test from God, I had to do it completely alone. I wasn't able to get ahold of Mark all day and only talked to him last evening when it was all over. I do feel stronger for having done it on my own and I think that was the way it was supposed to go.

She was a good girl and we enjoyed her greatly. She had an awesome life. Her last good day was amazing! We took her outside on Sunday to brush her and get all the mats out of her hair. She loved it and then she wanted to sit outside in the grass, she stayed out there for an hour or so while I gardened, she gently explored and laid on the hot concrete-always a treat for cats. After we came in she stood at the door and meowed to be let back out. The next day began her major decline. The last few years with her have been very trying with her kidney problems and incontinence- but we always still saw her spunk. When that was gone, I felt it was time. This is the lot we choose when we take care of animals.

Today, we are going to the beach with a bunch of friends. I think it will be good for all of us to get away, someplace very different- for the day. Hazel was upset yesterday, when I told her that Veronica was not getting better. I told her I would take her to the vet and see if they could help her, but was pretty sure that they wouldn't be able to and she would not be coming home. Lora came over to sit with them and Hazel didn't seem upset at all when I left. I think she was trying to not think about it. She didn't mention anything about it the rest of the day or this morning. We all slept together in my bed last night- more for my benefit than theirs. But it turned out to not be so great for me- because those girls flail around in their sleep like they are doing gymnastics! I was reduced to clinging to the edge of the bed all night! We all feel good this morning, it's sunny and a new day. We don't have to worry about Veronica being sick anymore and we don't have to worry about closing our doors or barricading all the furniture. It is a bit of a relief, really. And we still have two stinky cats, one who ever so sweetly threw up all over our dining room table last night.