Magnification

When I am alone, every sound is louder, every moth that flies in my face is a monster and every problem turns into a crisis. The drama of a sick cat escalated to me making an appointment to have her euthanized. I spent all of last night and this morning wondering how I was going to get through that alone. Thank goodness I had my mom and brother come and help form a second opinion, and the cat was just plain visibly better today. She is old and each day I can't find her, I steel myself for finding her white, furry, lifeless body. I imagine what I will do. When Mark is home, of course- I would flee the house with the children and call him from an undisclosed location. I have a fear of death. I've never really handled any dead thing up close. Much less a companion of 18 years. But being alone, being faced with the inevitable fact of death- knowing that I have to protect the children- I guess I'd just have to deal with it. So, while Veronica lays in my closet and I still wonder if she is going to make it until Saturday (when Mark gets home) I will be on edge.

It doesn't help that I have a hysterical child yelling at me to draw her a "better horsie"- she wasn't happy with what I drew and threw a temper tantrum. She has been sick and is running on that high you get when you feel better. She's been so hyper today- it's been trying. I don't know how my mom did this alone with me and my brother. Maybe because we were older and she got breaks by going to work. Maybe it was just as rough. Sorry, Mom, for any extra stress I caused you!